We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
