do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
