She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
