I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
