ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
