please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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