WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize