two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
