I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
