I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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