I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize