the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
