Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
