so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
