yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
