I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
