there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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