he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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