you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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