hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
