My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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