Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
