please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
