u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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