3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
