Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
