This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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