Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
