you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
