Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
