Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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