My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
