my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
