I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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