I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
