im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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