Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
