so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
