I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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