my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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