this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
