Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize