Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
