Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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