y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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