btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
