You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
