i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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