can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
