I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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