i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
