party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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