I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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