went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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