I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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