he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
