He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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