Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
