My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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