i need an iv and a liver transplant
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize