so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
