she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
