i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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