I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
