I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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