There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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