I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
